By two.one.five Staff  |  Send to Friend

Dear Lisa Lee: Wherein our own resident conscience breaks it down for you.

Dear Lisa Lee:

 

I've been with my boyfriend for about seven years now, and we just got engaged last month (he proposed to me on Valentine's Day). I really love my boyfriend, plus he's a great catch -- very caring, very sweet, very attractive, makes good money and his career is taking off. If I marry him, I am set for life. The only problem is that our sex life is just as safe and predictable as his emotional and financial stability. You see, my boyfriend has a small penis. This has never been a problem for me, but then again all the short guys were short-term. I'm worried now because I've been thinking about my commitment to him, and having to deal with our sex life (lack of) for the rest of my life. We've tried various positions and doing extra things to spice it up in the bedroom, but even still, our positions changed but his size didn't. We even had a threesome with another guy. I didn't want him to know that I preferred another man's schlong, so I just told him I didn't want to do that again, even though deep down inside the sex with the stranger was much more thrilling. Then I suggested we have anal sex, which I have had in the past but it was never really successful because it hurt. I thought maybe that this time, because of his size, we might actually go all the way. We tried it and we did. In fact, we were able to do it in multiple positions, and I actually orgasmed. I couldn't believe it, I was so excited to have finally found another way to enjoy being with him: I couldn't wait to try it again. For some reason he found it disgusting. How do I bring this up with him so that I can convince him to have anal sex again without revealing that I'm ashamed of our regular sex?

Sincerely
Stale Mate

Stale Mate:

Pretty sad that you've stayed with the dude for seven years and you haven't resolved this issue, but I do have a bit of advice: By not acting on your sexual fantasies, you're headed towards the fast-track of freaky nasty fetishes that may ultimately destroy your relationship. Ever seen 'two girls one cup'? If that doesn't scare the shit out of you then I don't know what will. Meanwhile, what's his problem anyway? Doesn't he realize how psyched any other man would be to have a girl who wants to take it in the ass? Christ almighty, that's all my boyfriend wants for his fuckin' birthday! So, worst case scenario, just start fucking in the dark, have your ass lubed and ready, and he'll never know the difference.


Dear Lisa Lee:

My girlfriend has a hard time giving me a blow job, because she can't handle the gag reflex. Once while she had me in her mouth, I pushed a little too much, too far, and she threw up on me. Do you think it would be too much to ask to have her get her tonsils removed? And furthermore, since this incident, her throat has been swollen, do you think we can use this as a reason to get surgery?

Sincerely,
Orally Fixated


Orally Fixated:

Are you fucking retarded?

Men! So fucking predictable. You basically raped her in the mouth and now you want her to take her tonsils out? Fuck you.


Sexuations:

The Aquaman/Aqualad
A male or female, planning on spending a night alone, heads to their city's Chinatown. There, they purchase a half-dozen live saltwater fish -- sea-bass work nicely -- and take them home in a giant plastic bag filled with saltwater. They then pour the fish into a full bathtub, climb in, and masturbate to a climax as the fish slither around them. For bonus points, the 'Aqualad' comes into play if the fish eat it.

Sentence: I'm not going out tonight, I feel like giving myself an aquaman.

The Chunnel

This complicated maneuver requires a few days of planning in advance. The first participant procures an extended length of cotton-based string, approximately 35 feet, and swallows all but the last five feet, keeping the end of the string out of the side of their mouth. The next day, after a bowel movement, they retrieve the other end of the string, then tie both ends directly to the base of the penis and testicles of their partner. Thus linked, the partners engage in repeated anal-and-oral conjugations, ultimately paying the "toll" before achieving orgasm.

Sentence: I can't come into work this week -- Timmy really wants me to run a Chunnel for him.