“Y'know, science has long proven that 121% of marriages worldwide fail, and I don't think your husband really means any harm in his correspondence with his past partners, he just knows that one day you two are going to divorce and he simply wants to keep his fuck options open.”

~ Rats

By Jayson Musson  |  Send to Friend

Dear Mr.Rats:

What is your opinion on maintaining contact with former lovers after marriage? I've never doubted my husband's devotion, yet it still bothers me when he sends birthday cards, "keep in touch" letters & occasionally telephones several women that he's at one time been sexually intimate with. He says he understands my feelings, but then says he doesn't like to feel restricted in his actions. This makes me feel resentment & I wonder if my feelings of jealousy stem from my own insecurities or if his actions are inappropriate for a married man. I should say that I have no such feelings regarding his platonic women friendships and that my husband (of 3 years) is truly a caring person & not on the prowl. Thanks very much.

Signed,
Confused and Jealous

Dear Confused and Jealous:

Would it be erroneous for me to assume that you've never had a significant sexual encounter before your husband? Because if you did, you'd want to keep the bridge of communication open with your more sexually adept past lovers. If there was such a person in your past that had the ability to make you gush like Old Faithful in orgasmic glee, why would you take this person out of your life because of something as silly as marriage? Y'know, science has long proven that 121% of marriages worldwide fail, and I don't think your husband really means any harm in his correspondence with his past partners, he just knows that one day you two are going to divorce and he simply wants to keep his fuck options open. Try to remember the worst you've ever felt after a breakup, then multiply that feeling by a high number that only nerds count up to, and that's how bad you feel after your marriage disintegrates. Your husband, who I might say, sounds like quite the shrewd individual, is probably just preparing for the inevitable and I advise you to do the same or you'll end up spending your lonely, post-marriage single days watching Law and Order with a Sybian you've sadly decided to name 'Henry.'


Dear Rats:

My best friend wants to be a singer and she is really good. I 'm afraid that when we grow up, she might become famous and not remember me. What do I do?

Signed,
Afraid to be Forgotten.

Dear Afraid to be Forgotten:

What kind of fucking question is this? Are you kidding me? Are you 10 years old?
If I had a friend that had the slightest inkling of profitable talent, I'd be encouraging them left and right, buying them lunch, fluffing them when I could, complimenting that ugly Snoopy sweater they wear all the time with the bleach spot that looks like a cum stain from a distance. If you treat someone like gold when they're nobody, when they actually become somebody, you're as good as gold yourself. If they're at the party, then you're at the party, if they eat caviar, you're right next to them chomping on that shit too, if they get into a fist fight with Dustin Hoffman, then you're fighting him too. When normal folks gain recognition and become famous, they like to maintain a connection to the person they previously were before fame invaded their life. And what this translates into is that they overly value all the worthless things from the past, including no talent jimokes such as you, Afraid to be Forgotten. So my advice to you is to stick to this person like industrial strength glue.



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